Keith

I'm such a good eunich-friend

2006-09-21T00:46:06Z

Well, I haven't had a friend speech in quite some time. That was refreshing. It's funny, there's something in the way I behave around girls I'm interested in that seems to make me their best friend. I tend to become a confidant to the object of my affection, and that's cool, but very not cool. My personal hell is the sentence 'Why can't I find a nice guy like you?' said by girl who knows I like her. Woman logic never ceases to baffle me... 'I always end up with assholes, I wish I could date a nice guy who actually really likes me. Oh hey, this guy is nice and he likes me... I bet he'll listen to me about my man problems...'

So yeah, I honestly do appreciate the advice and words of support, but No, I do not worry too much, No. I am not making it more complicated than it really is. No, she is not so obviously into me, No, I should not quit being a wuss and just tell her already. No, it is not going to be fine. No, seriously, I know what I'm talking about here, you're wrong.

Goddamn

n4k3dg1rl @ 2006-08-08T01:59:00

2006-08-08T04:59:23Z

I was rather looking forward to going through the same process of taking suggestions and putting them to vote to determine the name of my fantasy football team this year, but I just remembered how sad I was about Pringleton losing last year. So I decided to just name my team Pringleton.

My apologies to all of you who have been waiting with bated breath for the opportunity to help name my team.

And my thanks to Kevin for giving me such an awesome team name that I eventually got to use.

n4k3dg1rl @ 2006-04-12T23:29:00

2006-04-13T03:41:38Z

So uhh, is anyone else going to see Coheed and Cambria saturday?

hey dudes, it's my birthday.

2006-02-13T02:49:40Z

Obviously I didn't think anything would be different, but for some reason when I woke up this morning and last night wore off, I was really dissatisfied. I had a great time last night, and I really appreciate everybody showing up, and it was super rad. But I'd been looking forward to it for a while, and I loved the idea of it. But now that it's passed I've run out of things to look forward to. So now everything's back to normal, and that's pretty effing depressing. I'm dreading driving back up to Gainesville. I want to keep the illusion that I don't live there... I want to believe I'm home right now, and that at any time I can go hang out at the Simpson's place, or that everybody will come here, and we'll sit around laughing about stupid shit we did a couple weeks ago, and then do stupid shit to laugh about later.

Nothing is better this way. It's stupid to want to cling so desperately to my childhood, but I liked it better. Even the really bad aspects of that time in my life that couldn't have possibly gotten worse haven't really improved either. I can't complain since the unsatisfactory condition of my life is due entirely to a lack of effort on my part, but it still makes me unhappy.

On another note, someone pointed out to me recently 'All you do is talk about how you think all your friends are better than you. Is that why you seem to hate yourself so much?' I laughed it off at the time, but I thought about it later. I really do constantly compare myself to the people closest to me and all I can think is how all the things I hate about myself, the things that are missing, my closest friends have it. The few things I like about me, my closest friends are better than me in that regard. If I look at any one of my friends I see a few of my shortcomings, and I look at my whole circle of friends and I see how I'm inadequate in every way. I don't think the situation is unique, but I think most people don't look at it this way, and it's probably not very healthy...

...So uhh, ya... I'm 23 and stuff, go me.

Good Morning!

2005-12-07T23:09:02Z

So ya, I got a little emo over Thanksgiving break obviously, but I can not remember the last time I have been as not okay as I was this morning. I spent much of my time at work in the early hours desperately fighting back tears, occasionally pausing from my work to push my knife into my thigh when I came too close.

"Why is it still like this. It's difficult and painful and not bloody fair -make it stop-. I can get through today -can I?- and I can probably get through tomorrow, but what about the day after? What about 6 months from now? What about yet another year -I can't-? How long does it have to be like this -I can stop it at any time-? How can I be expected to keep on like this -I can't-? Why do I still have to feel this way -I don't-? It's not fair -It is so easy to never have to feel this again-."

Kinda funny, I put Out of the Fierce Parade on the sound system there, and it made me feel as it always does, which in this case, it cheered me up considerably. Since then my mood has gradually improved and I'm back up to default 'Getting by' status now.

The improvement in mood was aided by a call from John's roommate Aaron inviting me to join him at a drag king show he'll be attending in Orlando this evening. I can't afford to drive to Orlando, and having not slept last night, I can't afford to not sleep tonight, but despite that I think I'm going to take him up on that.

Tonight feels just like it did last year

2005-11-27T08:55:45Z

I always go to bed aware of the fact that I'm going to bed alone. But on rare occasion it's a more overwhelming feeling. It becomes palpable and I'm not alone anymore... I go to bed with the Empty Space.

The Empty Space is very chatty tonight, and she will not let me sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T04:44:45Z

I am thankful for war, famine, hatred, and injustice.

Last year was probably just coincidence, but if not, Sunday morning we're going to wake up in a much better world.

So last night I had a really weird dream...

2005-09-13T22:07:06Z

I was a professional athlete, a baseball player I think (already completely absurd and it just gets crazier). I'm on the verge of breaking some major record of some sort and am expected to do so within one or two more games. But then in a tragic hunting accident, I take a shot from a 12 gauge under the chin. That's right a hunting accident. A hunting accident that resulted in the barrel of a shotgun being discharged point blank under my chin. I have no idea how this occured.

And so I died.

Standing before God I plead my case. I really want to get that record, but I can't when I'm dead of exploded head disease. So I somehow talk him into turning back time and making it so that my brains were in fact not blown out in a tragic hunting accident.

After my conversation with God, I wake up in a hospital bed. As requested, change was made so that I am not dead. However, as where I was hoping the point blank shotgun blast to the head would be entirely removed from the situation, instead, the angle of the barrel under my chin was shifted slightly so that my brain and spine were undamaged but the right side of my face was blown off. Nothing left of the right side of my jaw, my right eye may or may not have been present, and little of my cheek bone and facial skin remained.

Realizing I would be in for a lifetime of pain and reconstructive surgery and that I'll probably never again play professional baseball anyway, I called it a loss and killed myself.

Belligerent Bunnies it is

2005-08-24T05:36:31Z

Final results were as follows:

Belligerent Bunnies: 5

I'ma Get Funky Now: 5

King Zissou: 0

Pringleton: 2

Squeaky Quackies: 1

You may notice the tie. To settle this I went to an arbitrary chat room somewhere on the internet and offered the two options, the first person to respond chose Belligerent Bunnies, and thus the decision was made.

Thank you to all who participated, including whoever the hell that was who made the final decision.

I need a name for my football team.

2005-08-23T07:14:24Z

I've been gathering potential names for my football team. I appreciate everyones time and effort in this. I've narrowed the list to 5 (I couldn't narrow it to 3 as was the initial plan, it was hard enough getting it this far).

I ask everyone to vote from the list below. The name with the most votes before I go to bed Tuesday night will be the name of my football team.

The choices are as follows:

1. Belligerent Bunnies

2. I'ma Get Funky Now

3. King Zissou

4. Pringleton

5. Squeaky Quackies

kthx

LOOK, I DO LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! COOL KID!

2005-08-20T03:15:56Z

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.

1.~How did you meet destirinity? Home is where the heart is. On the bus.
2.~What would you do if you had never met hopelesslove? Not have enough Simpsons in my life
3.~What do you honestly think of ode_to_fantasy? unusual and fascinating
4.~Would or did ddscullyga and ninjavampire go out? I don't think so
5.~Have you ever liked eversoegelle? don't we all
6.~If dalix died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? Dalix, I never really told you how much I appreciate you teaching me to shake my balls
7.~Would rapiscan and the_hoobit make a good couple? I'm not sure actually
8.~Describe nivbed in 3 words: eccentric brilliant fagnificent
9.~Do you think moogleslair is hot? like burning
10.~Would dalix and edelniemand make a lovely couple? certainly lovely
11.~What do you think of when you see ninjavampire? That's my favorite ninja
12.~Tell me something humiliating about the_hoobit: her room has a rat infestation
13.~Do you know any of cobheran's family members? I briefly met his parents when I was helping him move out. His mom already had empty nest syndrome and he wasn't even done loading the truck.
14.~What's ode_to_fantasy's favorite color? um, chrome?
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is dickymon? hehe 10 plus tax
16.~What would you do if docobv just professed their undying love for you? I'd be flattered, and glad he finally quit this charade
17.~What language does ddscullyga speak? Navy
18.~Who is albrot going out with? the hoobit
19.~Is iconeternal a boy or a girl? a tallboy
20.~Would silkroses and docobv make a good couple? probably not
21.~Who do you think amessp would be great with from this list? rapiscan hah
22.~When was the last time you talked to moogleslair? last weekend
23.~What is eversoegelle's favorite band? Blue Oyster Cult
24.~Does rapiscan have any siblings? yes.
25.~Would you ever date cobheran? probably not... kinda awkward...
26.~Would you ever date nivbed? Yes
27.~Is amessp single? I'm not sure actually
28.~What is ode_to_fantasy's last name? oh shits, I think it used to be Hill, but I guess it's different now... I don't know
29.~What is silkroses's middle name? Daniel. Propably not, but it's a good guess right?
30~What is ode_to_fantasy's fantasy? hah, that reads funny. A hot chick carving symbols into her flesh.
31.~Where does iconeternal live? home
32.~Would you make out with destirinity? I will cut you LJ quiz
33.~Are hopelesslove and cobheran best friends? no
34.~Does nivbed like ode_to_fantasy? I don't think so
35.~How did you meet silkroses? through the robotics team. Hah.
36.~Is moogleslair older than you? I don't think so... or is he... is he?... no, I think no.
37.~Is edelniemand the sexiest person alive? as a matter of fact, yes

Hurray NyQuil buzz

2005-05-24T03:56:06Z

Being sick kinda sucks but my God I love NyQuil.

So yeah, this weekend went very well for the most part, just one hiccup really.

Finally saw Episode III with Brot. It receives the seal of approval. And there was baseball, which was quite groovy and I only got a little burned.

Dropped in on Paul's moving in party which was also cool. We threw rocks and hit signs with trains. And Tony and I punched each other in the face pretty hard.

Got my John and Cassi and Suzanna on. New people were exposed to the wonders of The Fog. <3 The Fog. We also watched the new Dawn of the Dead which was good fun. And interestingly enough, I had a zombie dream afterwords, which started out well enough, but then turned to suck.

It was going much better than the last time I had a zombie dream. This time I was in a more familiar and reasonably defensible location, I was with John and other familiar people, most of whom with a decent understanding of zombie protocol (though I really don't know why the asshole who nobody liked who had already been bitten hadn't been killed yet), and I was armed. Anyway everything's going well and I'm chilling in a room of the house we're in. I've got a sword, a handgun, and I'm wearing a thick down vest to discourage neck and shoulder bites. I hear a squeaking sound at the window. I peak around the curtain. There's Zombie Amanda pawing at the glass... I drop my weapons, remove my vest and make my way towards the door. '...Keith?' questions John. 'I'm going out for a bit' I reply. John just looks at me dumbfounded as I walk past him and out the front door.
I walk towards Zombie Amanda, and she zombie shambles towards me. We stop. She doesn't attack. We just stand there looking at each other for several moments. Until I put a hand on her shoulder. Then I pull her towards me. My arm is around her shoulders now and her head is against my chest. I put my other hand on the back of her head, running my fingers through her hair, and we stay like that for a few more moments.
Then I broke her neck.

Worst. Dream. Ever.
I woke up fighting back tears. The worst part was, in the dream I got pretty emotional when I first saw her, but after that I felt nothing. I felt nothing when I held her. And I felt nothing when I killed her. I was really upset when I woke up, and it's still bothering me.

I need more NyQuil.

n4k3dg1rl @ 2005-05-16T01:26:00

2005-05-16T04:42:38Z

Make it go away.

All of it.

Everything.

n4k3dg1rl @ 2005-05-13T04:10:00

2005-05-13T07:31:45Z

I'm really jealous of Wolf Blitzer. He got so lucky. My life would have been entirely different if my name was Wolf Blitzer.

When I was going through school, instead of:

'Hey who's the skinny kid with the glasses?'
'That's Keith Roberts, he's anti-social and lacks self esteem.'
'Keith eh? Let's kick his ass.'

It woulda been more like:

'Hey who's the skinny kid with the glasses?'
'That's Wolf Blitzer, he's mysterious and exudes confidence'
'Wolf eh? Let's look upon him with hushed reverence.'

Sigh.

I'm not very good at this.

2005-05-13T06:51:14Z

My apologies to Kevin.
I don't do it on purpose.

I went out, started trying to have a good time, talked to Collin a bit. Eventually Kevin shows up. He introduces me to Ruth, who is quite nice to look at. After introductions he informs me that she's a great dancer and that I should dance with her. This creates complications in my mind. I am introduced to people who are then described as great dancers, after being told this, it is suggested that I dance with them... Of course I think, 'Great dancer aye? Well then I better avoid dancing with her since I obviously can't keep up and would be a tremendous disappointment.'
She got out on the floor, I was nearby, and sure enough, she was a great dancer. I found myself intently watching her legs, then I noted that I was just intently watching the seam-up-the-back stockings around said legs.
Seam-up-the-back stockings... those bring back memories.

And that's all it took.

I was controlling it enough to be able to keep a smile and hang out and stuff, but after that I had to go outside and stare at the sky for a while.

It's really obnoxious and not fair to the people around me, Kevin especially. I really am trying to enjoy myself out there, it's just really difficult. But I'm working on it. Eventually I'll be able to keep my happy face up all night (without getting drunk). Maybe I'll even talk to people. Probably not, I always feel like I'm intruding on time that could be better spent talking to someone else. But hey, I am pretty inconsiderate, maybe I'll give it a shot.

So there's that then. But on the plus side, I'm really attractive, for whatever that's worth.

I got this shit

2005-05-06T06:21:57Z

Aights, I've finished my non-drinking phase, and have moved on to drinking in moderation. I decided beforehand that tonight I would have 3 drinks (Cinco de Mayo and all) so I had a Corona, shot of bourbon, and half a Bud. I suppose it's too early to say that I'm completely in control, but I did stick to my preset number of drinks tonight, so that's a good sign.
And I started back at kung fu on Tuesday. I hurt so much and it feels so wonderful. I really did miss this, and I already look better than I did on Monday. So ya, getting better all the time.

In other news, blonde Jen received about 10.4 billion awesome points... We show up at her place for pre-drinks, and I'm sportin my Velvet Teen shirt, and she's like 'I have that shirt'. That's awesome. I see her playlist on her computer, and sure enough, there's some Velvet Teen there, but then I look down in front of her monitor, and she has + - = stickers on her effing desk. Awesome.

And I talked to a drunk girl in front of Atlantic tonight... She looked more emo than I did, so I asked what's wrong. She was appearently sad about being so completely drunk. I assured her that it may not be too terribly pleasant at first, but at least in the near future, she won't be drunk anymore. She seemed to appreciate it.

That's all I suppose. I'ma get me some lasagna now <3

Question: If given one hour to drink free beer, how many beers will Keith drink?

2005-04-26T06:56:40Z

Answer: 0

I totally kick ass at this not drinking thing. Free Amber Bock on tap, and I didn't have a drop. Booyah.

I was a little jealous when I picked up Spivey and her roommate who were already wasted, but it was cool. If I couldn't be drinking, at least I had drunk people to watch.

So anyway, I win.

I hate it here.

2005-04-23T21:53:41Z

I need to surround myself with people who love me... People I love.
All I'm doing now is going out to surround myself with people I'm trying to sell myself to... People I lie to...

Aight, I've had my fill

2005-04-20T04:07:05Z

I've decided that I'm done with the whole drinking to excess thing. I was originally going to stick with it until I stopped wanting to, as I'm sure this is just a phase, but I decided to stop now. It'll be more difficult since I still rather enjoy getting to drunk to think, but a challenge is a good thing. I'm not swearing of alcohol for life or some craziness like that, but I don't plan on walking quite so much anymore. I'm going to throw myself in on the deep end, and I'm not going to drink for a couple weeks or so, and then afterwords go back to drinking moderately. This will be kind of annoying this Thursday because lord knows as much as I can't dance, it's even more pathetic without a drink or two, but oh well.

Oh and believe it or not, this decision was not inspired by how I felt at work today. I just decided it was time.

So ya, that's that. Should be an adventure.

Hooooly shit, lovers...

2005-04-19T06:47:07Z

I am drunk like burning...

I'll update this motherbitcher when I can see the effing keyboard.

But for now, just know that I am so effing wasted that I don't even know where my bed is.....

oh fuck I promised Jose that I would do the dishes when I got home... I don't fuckin know where the kitchen is...

oh, and 9 o'clock comes awful early in the morning.....

fuvck......

I love you all. <3

25 cent beer, Booyah

2005-04-08T06:41:53Z

My pin count is directly proportional to my BAC.

Question: If given one hour to drink free beer, how many beers will Keith drink?

2005-04-05T08:31:11Z

Answer: 5

Well, I am done living a lie. I was able to keep it up for a very solid 3 months. But in the last month or so, the illusion has faded, and here I am stuck with the truth I did not want to deal with.

I am still every bit as in love with her as I have ever been.

I still want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her.

Being without her is bringing out the worst in me.

I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I am kinda proud of myself. I've still been able to make a fair amount of progress in my quest for self-improvement, and land a new job (which I start in less than 6 hours... oops) despite this 'worst' that has been brought out. Fortunately, I have the afore-mentioned new job which will keep me in line, so I'll be doing even better.

Anyway, the story continues. I heard she had broken up with Michael, and assisted by this ugly relapse I've been going through, my imagination got carried away and I started to believe that everything could turn out ok.

Well appearently in addition to everything else he does better than me, he's also better at begging and swearing he'll change. I know I did my fair share of both but it didn't get me anywhere... She also mentioned her new friend Patrick, AKA Keith'... Keith' is just like Keith but minus all the negative aspects I've been looking to change, and with the addition of the positives I was hoping to attain in the future... The guy I wanted to become to make her happy. So if Michael doesn't work out and she wants me to fall back on, she has the superior and more conveniently located Keith alternative in Keith'.

Sadly I don't believe in 'meant to be'... If I did, I could tell myself that 'if we're meant to be, we will be, and if not, no loss'. But it's not that simple.
It's not that easy.
It's not going to be that easy.

Either I have to complete the metamorphosis and fix myself, and hope that all the circumstances beyond my control fall into place. Or I have to fix myself, and then try again to move on, which I kinda failed at initially and I don't want to do anyway.

Well, either way, I have to fix myself, so I guess we'll just see what happens when I get to that point.

Bad news and Good news (which comes with bad news)

2005-03-29T12:26:56Z

I'm going to put even less effort into grammer and spelling this time than I did Friday morning... Anyway:

We'll begin with the good, move on into the rest of the night, then discuss the bad.

I saw my personal Venus tonight. That is to say I saw Judah Nagler with a vagina.

The deep set and dark, yet somehow brightly expressive eyes, the Jewish nose, the almost pale lips, the same 5 1/2 foot give or take stature, same slight build, same sun-deprived fair skin... If Judah had a more feminine jawline and flawless breasts, I'd never be able to tell the two apart. Unfortunately, much like a lot of the girls at UC, it appears my Venus already has a girlfriend. =/

Which reminds me, when I went to the I-Bar in Orlando that one time, I saw a girl that I recognized from high school... Tara was her name... (if I recall correctly [which I probably don't] I think she was an anchor for the morning announcements at the time that I was on the crew) I was really surprised when the one time I was at a club, in Orlando no less, I saw someone I recognized from high school, and to boot, she knew someone in my party (Amanda's brother John)... I was even more surprised when much later, the second time I went to Atlantic, I saw her again, and she knew people in my party again... Anyway, if I wasn't too drunk to get an erection, the sight of her grinding and making out with the attractive lady she was with may have forced me to leave the dancefloor and sit down.

Come to think of it, of the four or five couples I saw making out tonight, there was a total of one guy. I think I like the UC.

So yeah... Quite a night. Many familiar faces from my Thursdays at Atlantic, so I didn't have to wander long before finding someone to chat with. This includes the bartender from my previous post who makes a mighty strong drink. And since he was drinking rather than serving tonight, he was pretty effing drunk himself. We talked a good bit, and danced a little, at which point his lady pushed me away. It started playful, but after shoving me a few times I think she started to mean it...

Upon arriving at 11:20 or so, the 'Free drafts from 11-12' got me 3 Amber Bocks <3. This got me to dancin, and I was havin a pretty a good time. When the 3-beer buzz started to wear off, I took down a couple Jager-bombs and I was a dancin machine. Didn't matter your gender or sexual orientation, if you were near me, you got danced with. Then 2 o'clock rolls around and we're out to the parking lot. I talk to the folks I know, ask around for an afterparty, but once again, noone I know knows of one. I begin to wonder as I did Thursday whether there really is no afterparty, or if nobody wants to tell me where it is.

As the majority of the crowd leaves I notice the guy that was wearing the WWII era helmet all night. His name is Ian, and I ask him where the party is. He states that the party is down University, then come up north on 26th st. it's the second house on the right. Sadly, his ride is on the back of a small motorcycle, so he can't give me a ride there, so

I start walking.

It takes me well over an hour to get to the place he describes. By the time I get there, lights are on, but nothing's happening inside. Either the party ended before I got there, or his directions did not lead me to the party. Both very strong possibilities. As such, after getting wasted at the club, I walked first from the Origin to 0 North, 26 West. Then from there I walked home to 39 North, 13 East. That's right, just like Thursday night/Friday morning, I wander drunkenly around downtown hoping for somewhere to be and not coming up with anything.

This is where the bad news comes in. This is where the shambles my life has become is brought to horrifying light. The description above is just a hint of my degredation. The true horror of it is that I fucking love it. I get drunk at the club and I wander around downtown. The hobos don't ask me for money cause they think I'm one of them. I'm just an acoustic guitar and a mustache away from my new friend Bob, standing at the ATM shuffling through the half a dozen expired debit cards that reflect the days when I used to be a productive member of society, trying each one over and over again, swearing to the guy walking by that the mythical $1000 check I deposited will clear any minute now. "Really I have about $870,000 to my name, I just can't access any of it... I'll just go back to playin my 6 string until that check clears... ya I know it only has 5 strings, but once that check clears I'll buy me another string." I smile when I come to a crosswalk and people in cars turn through the intersection faster than they should, because I know what they're thinking. They're scared to death of accidently making eye contact, because then they'd feel obligated to give me a dollar to support my malt liquor addiction, and giving me a dollar means getting close enough to smell me, god forbid. The overnight crew at the McDonalds at 3 North and 13 West doesn't bat an eyelash at the drunken long haired white guy stumbling through the drive-thru with his zombie gait at 4 in the morning scanning the $1 menu because they see it every day.

This is my Monday night/Tuesday morning... from 11 till 2, I drink, dance, and watch girls make out. From 2 till 6, I walk. Wallowing in the crushing solitude. The alcohol and biting cold numb every inch of my body. Except my feet, which with every step cry curses to the game of golf and any shoe it ever inspired, just loud enough to keep me up for another step. From 13th street I finally get to 39th Ave and head East watching the horizon get progressively brighter until I reach home as the first sliver of the sun peaks over the traffic light at 15th St.

I found a flyer on the way home, and it almost made me Baptist.

2005-03-25T11:59:17Z

Tonight was pretty interesting. It served to both entertain, and put into light the horrible situation I've gotten myself into.

Preface: I left my job at USBMIS a week ago and am trying to get in with US Amps. I am currently between jobs. 'Between jobs' is a phrase us unemployed folk use when we're not ready to admit that we're fucking bums. Anyway, for maybe 2 months, thanks to the assistance of Kevin, I've been going to Atlantic on Thursday nights. It's where the indie kids go. I'm trying to find somewhere to belong and the indie crowd is my best bet I think. So far it's going more or less okay.

So tonight I go to Atlantic. I walk in get out on the dance floor and I start to shift awkwardly. I realize that I really effing need a drink if I'm going to dance, so I head across the street to The Top (Kevin always does pre-drinks at The Top, so I figured I'd just do what he does. I later discover this is not the way). I get me an Irish Car-bomb, down it and head back to Atlantic.
I try to dance again, and it's going a little better, but I'm still a little stiff, so I go to the bar and get a Miller Lite draft(second cheapest drink in the house, only thing cheaper is a PBR and I'm not going there). I'm paying for my drink and I glance to my right and see Jamie.

Backstory: The first time Kevin takes me out, I go up to The Office with him. He's got a bunch of people up there. Among them, Jen and Jamie. They're sisters, and both way too cute. Jen is tall and really skinny, Jamie is fairly short and with a nice figure, though my impression is that she doesn't realize it. Neither did I at the time because she was wearing a very loose sweater as where Jen was wearing... I'm not really sure what, but it didn't cover very much of her, and as such she had a disproportionate amount of my attention that night. The next time I see them two weeks later, I notice Jamie a lot more, and additionally, she's pretty friendly to me. After closing time we make a bit of small talk before going our seperate ways. And so it begins. I'm looking forward to Thursday's, but it progressively gravitates more from looking forward to 'the night that I go out' to looking forward to 'the night that I see Jamie'. It really seems that she likes seeing me too. In fact that second time I saw her, she was the first to acknowledge me and start conversation, which was interesting. But last week when we were talking, I talked about how I've been having trouble sleeping at night and how I just come home and crash right after work and she says that her boyfriend is the same way... I'm pretty confident that I didn't let on, but I was really disappointed to hear that. We say our goodbyes later that night, and over the course of the past week, I think about her probably a bit more than I should.

Which brings us back to me oredering a Miller Lite and glancing to my right. She was actually trying to get my attention. I turn and see her, and when my eyes light up with recognition (in her view, it was simply recognition. The expression was actually me seeing the reason I was even there at all) we make eye contact, she smiles brightly and gives an enthusiastic wave. I get my beer and walk over to where she's sitting, and the small talk commenses. Somewhere in all this, a guy orders a couple screwdrivers. I see the bartender fill two cups almost completely full with vodka and then spritz a little bit of orange juice in. My jaw drops, Jamie notices the look of shock on my face and looks around to find the source of my amazement whereupon she sees the man finishing the assembly of these drinks. We discuss how 'goddamn that man makes a stiff fuckin drink'. This is called foreshadowing. After a bit Jamie goes of to go find her sister and says she'll see me again later on. I go off to school some bitches on the foosball table. Then I go and dance a bit. Afterwords I think, 'I need another drink, a real one.' So I go to the previously mentioned bartender and request a Jager-bomb. A Jager-bomb is a shot of Jagermeister (2 oz.) and a half can of Red Bull (4 oz.). Bartender here fills a draft cup at least a 1/4 full (a good 4 or more oz.) with Jager and then adds not quite the requisite half can of Red Bull. So I down that as I would any other. I then step away from the bar and decide to look for Jamie. I start looking around and suddenly she appears a fairly short distance away, I start to walk over to her, then some guy comes up and puts his arm around her and she gives him a warm hug. They start to walk with their arms around one another and she notices me. She gives me a look of recognition, but much less inviting than the one she gave me earlier. I ask my friendly bartender to pour me another of those interestingly proportioned Jager-bombs, and another Miller Lite to wash it down. I'm officially fucked up. My friend at the foosball table wants to go again. I continue to school his ass despite not being able to see the ball until the ugly lights come on and everybody else leaves.

So now I go outside where everybody else is. I finally encounter Kevin and Niki, whom I hadn't seen all night, and say 'hi'. Blonde Jen is there as well. I ask everybody I know, and a few people I don't, if anybody knows what's goin on tonight. I'm in desperate need of an afterparty. Nobody has anything, and everybody disperses. Of the few people remaining, there's a guy with hair almost as long as mine that's actually drunker than I am. I start talking to him and the people he's walking with. They sound like they have somewhere to go, so I walk with them. I follow them until they get to their car and I climb in with them. They cruise on to someone elses car, and two of them get out and I follow. I ask what's going on. One that remained in the first car says 'I think you're riding with them'. Both cars then drive away without me.

I start walking.

Early on I come across a hot-dog vendor who asks if I'm hungry. At first I say I'm alright, but then I decide a hot-dog would be quite nice. So I go back and get out my wallet. He says it's on the house, he's closed now and he'd just have to throw it out anyway. I thank him and eat my hot-dog. I go back and ask if he has any more to get rid of, to which he apologizes and says he just gave the last one away, but offers me two bags of Fritos and a bottle of water. It's still on the house, so I give him a dollar for his time and consideration, thank him again, and start on my journey.

Atlantic is very near the Origin: Main St. and University Ave. From there I walked west to 13th St. From there I walked south to 16th Ave. which brings me to Steak N Shake. I'm not sure how this translates into miles, but it took me about an hour to get there. I have a bacon and cheese double, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions. I sit around for a bit. I'm finally sobering up, so I begin my hour long trek back to my car. On the way back I reflect on this evening. This whole thing runs through my head and I feel a great deal of shame and sadness. I arrive at my car. It's now 5 in the morning, last call was 3 hours ago. In that time, I failed to find somewhere to be. I'm feeling pretty pathetic. I drive home, walk in, kick of my shoes, and empty my pockets. And that's the end of that.

Epilogue: Throughout the course of the evenging, I called Justin a few times, cause I knew he'd be the only person who would aprreciate my level of inebriation (and who would be awake and partying). He says he'll call me back later when he's drunk. Right after I get home and seconds before I start typing this, as promised, he calls. We chat for a bit, and I talk also to his friends John and Jen. It was really fun and I start to feel a bit better about the evening. But then I go and write all this, and it ruins the feeling.

On that note, now that it's 7 in the morning, I'm going to bed.

I UPDATE FRIENDS. news in brief.

2005-03-16T06:57:58Z

I am sad because: I'm currently relapsing, and it's kinda stressing me.

I am happy because: I'm going to see The Mars Volta in Atlanta on April 29th.

I am sad because: You're not jealous of me, even though I'm going to see The Mars Volta in Atlanta on April 29th, and you're not.

There are a few other little things here and there (the ratio is fairly similar to that above), but these are the most recent developments and are occupying the majority of my thinking time.

Despite the number of sads being larger than the number of happys, I'm feeling pretty okay, because

1: I'll get over it... again.

B: Hellz ya! The Mars Volta, for reals.

III: Fuck you guys, I'm gonna see The Mars Volta. Hellz ya!